Fixation

Through movies and music, literature and theatre, we learn to self-project, to see ourselves as heroes (villains as well – though we would never admit). We identify with a certain “type”, type- casting ourselves in roles that “fit”and suitable. In short, we fixated on US (since we cannot and never will be able to see ourselves, except for its reflection in the mirror, therefore we cast someone else to play us).

So we lurk, look and like. Fixation.

Objects of our desire in the mirror. On the screen. Found in feed. We are narcissistic. No matter how hard we try, from falling in and out of love, from sacrificing ourselves for the good of others….in the end, it’s our needs and wants which come first.

And when it comes to needs and wants, even Amazon with its catalog cannot satisfy our longings for, as St Augustine put it ” we are made not for this world…cannot find rest….”.

That unfulfilled longing causes restlessness. Restlessness causes roaming. The journey takes us to strange and exotic places. Disney, Las Vegas, Paris and beyond, just to provide temporary distractions, to pass the time.

Whatever we want. They have it. In LV “Showgirl”, a line sticks:” if they ‘come’, it’s OK”.

Sexual urge, sexual release.

Bang!

Covid times. Massage parlors. Stress release.

Guilty pleasure. Hormonal confusion vs moral/racial purity. Inner urge and outside trigger.

Self-conflicting motives and desires.

The darker the skin, the closer to Hell (Ishmael-like).

But dear God, I want to “come” ( I had two eggs for breakfast).

Instead of going to the gym, I went to the gun shop.

Jesus said if you are withOUT sin, cast the first stone (fire the shot).

The Atlanta shooter examined himself, found himself above Jesus’ teaching.

He aspires to “eliminate”, is licensed to kill (a 007 on a heavenly mission).

21. Legal to drink. On the way to Spring-break Florida. On a rampage.

Kill them all.

Establish a Kingdom of God on Earth (Southern man, I am).

Asian Spas, covid-spreaders. Take them out.

Convenient target, easy excuse. After all, historically, they are to be lynched. Newcomers (the Others) are all ass-holes.

Their lawyers are not up to par to defend them. Mine are.

I am versed in excuses, well-scripted in my public confession.

I am out to “re-store” an America of moral/racial purity, to make it great again…one nation….indivisible and not invisible as of late.

My act of violence is necessary, even condoned.

I am on a mission. Not just any mission. The mission. Just like Kyle (Rittenhouse). For God and country are calling.

Little did I know, my “god” is in small case. As small as my Pennis. My name is Robert Long. I am so fixated on sex and violence. (un) Justified violence. All scripted in my head. Programmed and un-toxified. I am a product of my time and place i.e. post-Trump, post-truth world, not for “heavenly places” as St Augustine once said. For I am IN and OF this world. Asian? Women? Mere shooting targets. I self-project, wanting them all, but cannot have them. You cannot pin hate crime on me. Infact, it’s LOVE-crime (the flip side of hate). I want to be like them, my heroes, who dis-posses everything e.g. risking reputation and self-respect, to earn a hard living.

I aspire to but can never be like them. So I take them down (cognitive dissonance says when one faces a Y choice, it’s easier to “eliminate” one in order to stay consistent with the other). That way, the women of my race can take their places, just like in ole times.

Once upon a time, out West…..(music, Django, Lone rider, lounging and longing- satisfying look – picture Clint Eastwood, in the bathtub, cigar in hand and cowboy hat half-tilted…). So much for fixation and frustration (hi-tech hi-touch).

I am having a bad day!