Thang Nguyen 555

What kind of Creator who allows the worst to happen to my most loved?

What in the world does He think He is, playing God, throwing the dice around.

My daughter, barely out of the gate, with full life ahead of her.

Now, unrecognizable (no hair, thick glasses and covid mask).

That face which I kissed a thousand times.

It were as if I had faced my cancerous self.

And I hated the Maker. His product needed recall.

A factory reject. Irregular. Returned merchandise.

I am not perfect. Then so does He, a 99.99999999 per-cent Manufacturer .

Yet God demands and desires our bowing down in reverence (like the Last Emperor expecting underlings to walk backward).

Fear doesn’t make a lasting relationship, not when it’s unwilling.

I am right now very unwilling.

Perhaps it’s pre-mature. He is testing us, all of us. From outside threats to inner well-being.

To see if your beliefs and faiths hold.

As if we’re containers and vessels, stuck at the port of entry.

God has a supply-chain problem. Can’t deliver the boosters.

Can’t affect change and renewal in stubborn people.

Can’t shed more lights in darkness, where we all are and cursing at.

With dawn comes new hope (and hunger).

The poor shall always be with us. So are the alm bearers and pall bearers. Tree planters and tree profiteers.

We destroy, disappear and deny.

Just a little bit of footprint here, and over there, another firepits. Smokes get in your eyes.-

Until our bag is full, mouth over-stuffed and stomach over-filled.

When time for inventory, they are not blessings. Most were loots, from innate greed and unchecked desires.

We lust and loot, as if everyday is Black Friday.

Then return and exchange.

But life flows one way. No return, no exchange.

Can’t go back to pre-cancerous stage. To pre-teen and pre-med.

To pre-marital stage.

To pre-exam dates.

So we live on, in denial, in grief (as in my case, in anger).

Last night I hated God.

Not because He blessed others (Positive Thinking, Your Best Life Now, in Spanish).

But because his definition of goodness and beauty is in stark contrast to mine.

In short, God and I are not twins.

We don’t see eye-to-eye on many issues. He by definition lasts much longer.

So it’s an unfair match from the start. The cards were stacked against you and me. Creator vs creatures.

God, Man/Woman/Animal/Machine. Sometimes, not in that order.

We go along, and get along. Rant and rave, but move forward as bi-pedalist nonetheless.

We even invented the wheels, front wheel/ all-wheel drive.

We move, as if we knew where we were heading. Just drive.

Don’t put the gear in reverse. Heck with the camera and geo-location assist.

Just be. On the Road. Like Kerouac and Alan Ginsberg. Pot holes and poetry.

Life is an extended experience. Of getting to know ourselves, our reactions to circumstances and people.

And even to God.

What’s your belief? Is it helping you. When you ‘re down. Do you still need a friend. Or your faith is sufficient to carry you through, like a crutch. Like Chemo.

Can’t stand current culture wars. Current climate and current undercurrent. First they de-legitimized a lawful election. Then they undermine our elected leader. Everybody has a right to criticize, to opine. I exercised my freedom of speech (the speech God gave me out of his spoken word: “Let there be light”) to voice my complaint, to the Highest. More Supreme than any Supreme Leader, more than Chinese or Russian Leaders. Certainly, higher than North Korean’s. I said ” I hate you”. How about that.

Emotional man I am. My Dad (a brave and brawly one) in me. Now it’s my turn. To “play” Dad. To provide and protect. To stand down and up. Against invaders, against foreign forces and agents. Against virus and cancerous cells. Against forces unknown and threats evident. Sometimes I wish it were as easy as sending out an Amber Alert. To solicit for eyes on the street and help in the world.

But I know breast cancer is a private battle. Good things, we are not all alone. Like hair on our head, they do grow back. People, lots of them, do care. Even when God doesn’t seem to (He appears to be both Manufacturer (product) and Outsourcer (Service).

Last night, I hated God for the right reason. And I meant it. With as much force as I once loved Him. Just the other side of the coin.