Thang Nguyen 555

LIFE

Naturally, no one had a choice. We just were. We were born into a social setting: siblings and society. Most times, we grew up together. My case, they (brother and sister) were in college with a baby brother. Leos, ruled by the Sun, with a Life Path Number 3, and a blend of confidence, creativity, and leadership traits 

Barely sat up, I watched life go by. Four adults, fighting over an issue, chasing one another like a Chinese fire drill. My first memory and of course, was objective as if my eyes were two lens that recorded reality on tape. Sex, lies and videotape.

Life has been a mixture of good times, uncertain times and plenty of bad times.

• Flooding – I was so small and helpless. So I jumped into the middle to the couch (di-van) to stay afloat.
• Then later, I followed the kids, torch and lantern, parading around the neighborhood. They even lured me out to see the monk burned himself (1963) which precipitated the downfall of the Diem’s brothers
• Neighborhoods of Saigon slum with day laborers, vendors (barber and snacks of all kinds) and office folks saw daily fights. One time, we tried to intervene, only by making it worse: the fishing rod hooked the old lady and sent her to the hospital to unhook her (my first and last fishing expedite)
• Then of course there were crises, the motherload of it all got me to the US of A.

LOVE

Everyone loves their moms. I am of no exception. She graded students’ papers late into the night. TK’s (teachers’ kid) received rare bonding and hugging (we need to “share” mom as they do today on facebook). Alone, again naturally. Always have I experienced a sense of temporariness. Perhaps from hearing those successive coups on the radio, seeing folks shooting each other in plain sight at noon, or as I mentioned, burned himself to death at street corner for a cause.

It made for love at first sight, quick and easy. But not long-lasting. Not in war time. It’s shortest of term (to live and die during my childhood). Sex (supposedly culmination of love) for appetite, not dessert. Who knows about the next moment. Only the Here and Now. Suffering elongated and eternal? Thanks but no thanks. Among the four L’s, this one is the hardest to crack

LOSS

Loss follows break-up, with no make-up. People thought of loss as losing their saving, their pets or jobs. Something opposite of security. Mine was completely different. It involves long-term, life-altering change: another language, another continent, another town and way of life, altogether all at once.

In the movies, they show a long road ahead (yellow line in the middle), with possibilities…then “Cut”. Happy ending.

It leaves the audience to their own imagination. My loss has been irrecoverable and unfillable. It’s unlike a dent for automobile insurance claim.

My loss was passage of time, pursuing secondary goal and someone else’s agenda. That’s what happened when you grew up a baby in the family. Go figure on your own, save yourself etc…. Make your own mistakes. Own your own misfortune. You’ll understand what it is like from the inside, subjective suffering vs objective comment (or Like).

LONELINESS

Then they dropped dead, one by one. Leaving me wanting, wandering. I ‘d rather get lost as a baby (with the adult still around then), than losing my way while unaccompanied by loved ones, all deceased.

It’s not fun. It’s not good. It’s not advisable. I don’t wish this on any one.

To be or not to be (lonely). Dressing up to go to the Disco? you must be kidding.
” Never can say goodbye”! “Will I see you again!” (rhetorically speaking) the morning after.

In the cemetery, in the company of new and old dead, we still feel lonely. The choice of marble, of font, of brief say and last say. That’s it.

“How much more suffering is caused by the thought of death than by death itself.”

I did not choose this life. Neither did you. Like grass we just grow. Wind-bent, rained on and dried out. So? At least there was love, I am sure. Dwell on it, zoom in on it. Everything else? Just background noise.