THE 4 l’S

LIFE

Naturally, no one had a choice. We just were. We were born into a setting: siblings and society. Most times, we grew together. In my case, they (brother and sister) were already in college when I was born. Leos, ruled by the Sun, with a Life Path Number 3, and a blend of confidence, creativity, and leadership traits 

So I barely sat up, watching life go by. Four adults, fighting over an issue, chasing one another around the dinner table like a Chinese fire drill. My first memory and of course, it happened to be objective as if my eyes were the lens that recorded.

Life has been a mixture of good times, uncertain times and yes, bad times.

• Flooding – I was so small and helpless. So I jumped into the middle to the couch (di-van) to stay away from the rising water.
• Then later, I followed the kids, torch and lantern, parading around the neighborhood. They even lured me out to see the monk burned himself (1963) which precipitated the downfall of the Diem’s brothers
• Then of course there were crises, the motherload of all got me to the US of A.

LOVE

Everyone loves their moms. I am with no exception. She graded her students’ papers late into the night. Perhaps I was among the TK’s who received rare bonding and touch. Alone, again naturally. Always have I experienced a sense of temporariness. Perhaps from hearing those successive coups on the radio, seeing folks shooting at each other in plain sight and at noon, or as I mentioned, burning himself to death. It made for love at first sight, quick and easy. But not long-lasting. It’s war time. It’s shortest of term (to live and die in my country). Sex (supposedly culmination of love) for appetite, not dessert. Who knows about the next moment. Only the Here and Now. Suffering elongated and eternal? No thanks. Among the four L’s, this one is the hardest to crack

LOSS

Loss follows break-up, with no make-up. People thought of loss as losing their saving, their pets or jobs. Something opposite of security. Mine was completely different a definition. It involves long-term, life-altering flip. Another language, another continent and another way of life, altogether. In the movies, they show a long road ahead (yellow line in the middle), with possibilities…then “Cut”. Happy ending. At least for now. It leaves the audience with their own imagination, as to next chapter and 2.0 follow up. My loss has been irrecoverable. Not a dent in an insured automobile.

My loss was the passage of time, pursuing secondary goal and someone else’s agenda. That’s what happened when you were a baby in the family. Go figure on your own, what life was all about. Make your own mistakes. Own your own misfortune. Now you understand what it is like from the inside, subjective suffering vs objective comment. Chinese fire drill. Disturbing and detremental.

LONELINESS

Then they dropped dead, one by one. Leaving me wanting, wandering. I ‘d rather get lost as a baby (with the adult still around then), then losing my way unaccompanied by loved ones, deceased ones.

It’s not fun. It’s not good. It’s not advisable. I don’t wish this on any one.

To be or not to be (lonely). Dressing up to go to the Disco? you must be kidding.
” Never can say goodbye”! “Will I see you again!” (rhetorically speaking).

In the cemetery, in the company of the new and old dead, we still feel lonely. The choice of marble, font, brief say and last say. That’s it. 4 L’s.

I did not choose this life. Neither did you. Like grass we just grow. Wind-bent, rained on and mostly dried out. So? At least there was love, I am sure. Dwell on it, zoom in on it. Everything else? background noise.