Tag: God

Reflections of my life

” I am changing everything” …Like Holden Caulfield, catcher in the Rye.

“Oh I don’t want to die..”. The future that I once fret is my current present.

“All my sorrows”….were for nothing. They said 90% of our worries didn’t materialize.  Yet we keep worrying. Like a plague. Dec 21st or 23rd (Mayan Calendar).

Just shop til we drop ( even right after 9/11).

The world is, a bad place, a terrible place to live (lyrics).

The hardest part is to face and live with one’s self.

Tend not to those urges ( self-sabotage and self-destruction.)

Who planted them there? Those seeds? So the Earth would be less populated?

Take me back, to my own home (Lyrics).

Those GI‘s who listened to this song from a transistor radio, deep in the thick jungle of Vietnam. Have they often reflected on that experience? The Amerasian children they left behind? The bodies and chemical agents?

Who won that war? Or any war for that matter!

Perhaps both sides have lost.

Lives destroyed, and environment contaminated .

Bombs and napalms have fallen here when “Reflections of My Life” was at the top of the chart.

A generation of young people were forced to grow up really fast, to reflect on death and dying, to ask hard questions.

All my crying (lyrics)

It hurts to face separation, from neighbors and friends. The comfort zone.

Gone forever. Like a movie reel that got torn at one of the splices.

Tran Hung Dao, the Sea General, was back to sea (his imprint was on the then currency). Dust comes to dust.

In Vietnam, it’s considered “luck” to run into a funeral, not a wedding.

Yet, with Christmas season in tow, I saw 2 weddings this morning.

It’s peace-time Vietnam. The Wedding Hall is named “FOREVER“.

More optimistic in outlook now.

Fewer funerals, more weddings.

Less “reflections  of my life”, and more “accumulation of stuff”.

One thing is missing here: Black Friday shopping. That was because, American landed here back in 1965, Pleiku and not Plymouth. Hence  there was no Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. No turkey dinner. Just another weekend of laundry, coffee and a rare treat from the band. You can guess what they played here.

Yes, Reflections of My Life.  Take me to my own home (lyrics). Holden Caulfield got expelled from school. Not wanting to go back home just yet. Just ride the rail, the taxi, and anything that moves, with no particular stop in mind. The journey is the reward.

On being a conduit

Yesterday, I was at a funeral service . My friend’s Dad passed away.

We are all conduits of common grace.

Paying forward. Hold that door that has just been opened for you.

A guy I know ran into his English teacher at that funeral after 30 years apart

while I guy I met also found me online after 31 years.

Paying forward.

I am just a conduit and a memory keeper.

Learn to recognize the signs, the warnings and the blessings.

People come in all sizes and shapes.

Sometimes, the meanest dude happens to be the nicest dad.

Attending someone else’s funeral reminds me of my Dad’s.

We all remember our Dads as towering figures. Nothing could go wrong with them.

Protectors and providers.

But mine had such a temper.

Yet he was nice and kind to me.

He was a conduit to teach me about right and wrong, about standing up for what you thought was right (against the bully for instance).

The last years of his life, he walked every morning, for miles.

All Dads died, leaving behind worn tennis shoes.

My Dad’s shoes were oversized.  So we gave them away.

I would never have thought I would someday wear sneakers besides when jogging. Until now.

At least, I am back to jogging in the park.

Nice lush green park.

Common grace (green living for the homeless and the homie).

I wonder how many of us wake up in the morning, logging on and being appreciative of broadband availability.

The Maker has been patient. By giving us an extension on life, He inadvertently gets across his point: time (long or short) is in my hand.

So being a conduit of paying forward only counts in my and your lifetime. In God‘s timetable, it’s the same, forward or backward. The act of giving and receiving are pro forma, at man’s level. In bigger picture, time and space, past and future belong to the Higher Up. Thinking of death, of life and being a conduit humbles me. Pass it on. Hold the door.  A smile. Acknowledge a kid. Say “Hi” to passer-by. Surprise them. Be a conduit of common grace. Rain on the field of the good and the evil. Internet for all, dictators and agitators. God’s grace is man’s dilemma.

Insights from the inside

This could also be titled “Full Circle”.

We act out that which triggered us from the inside. Stored up commands.

Encoded instructions (like our own software version if you will).

Years ago, we fled by barge.  FOB. Then when we reached safety, inside secured camp  boundaries, we started to fight our ways to survival: each man to his own. An extended family that fled together ended splitting up into four units: college-bound, work-bound and American-style nuclear family and my mom, left all by herself, a retired school teacher with no taker (sponsorship).

I was completely crushed due to my helplessness: a few months before that, we had already left our house and my Dad. Then my Mom (knowing that she got mess hall pass and a bunk bed to sleep in did not ease my pain).

That’s how dramatic the script was: I was detonated into adulthood with everything (country, culture and cocoon ) disintegrated all around me.

No warning, no orientation. In fact, I missed the pre-registration period when various student organizations recruit incoming freshmen.

No fraternity, no fellowship.

Years later I volunteered to be back at those camps in the South china Seas. Even then, I did not recognize that deep motivation  of ” no man left behind.”

This marine-like motto came from no where. I continued to come back the second time a year later upon graduation from grad school.

It’s a trajectory unavoidable.

The insights came much later. Like yesterday. All of a sudden, the past resurfaced and revealed itself to me. Ah ha.

One guy found me after 31 years. Full circle. I helped him, he now helps me.

Then I realized why I came to help him: I couldn’t have done it for my mom in the early years.

As soon as I could, I did, even for strangers I had yet to meet.

An act of atonement.

Guilt and shame.

How do I live down after the break down.

Now, with distance and time in between, I could connect those dots.

No man left behind.

That’s what makes us who we are: social beings. Yes, we should love ourselves.

But we should not forget those two commandments: Love God and your neighbors.

These actions are not mutually exclusive. Try it, and you will find there are plenty left for  yourself. You see, love is not finite. In fact, the more you use it, the faster it replenished itself. Infinitely. I don’t know much about life, how long it lasts, what does it really mean etc… but I know a thing or two about love, or the lack of it. Especially, when it shows up and plays catch up with you. It hurts. It was real. It exists. Like yesterday, suddenly, this insight came uninvited but got me teary. Then, I was freed.

Time as equalizer

Presidential terms last four years.  Our life expectancy, used to be much less, now stands in the mid-70’s depends on the air quality near you. It’s an allotment. Non-negotiable. Except for a few variables e.g.unique gene pool, diet, exercise, stress level and accidents.

Some people even wish they were dead.  If you drag on day in and day out pushing the shopping cart, full of  discarded possession, then heck,  yes, you should.

I don’t expect our leaders to solve every problem . They got 9/11 memorial to attend to, reelection or election speech to give, and negative ads to launch.

But then, the homeless men and the presidential candidates both have on hand only a few decades left to influence the course of history and to deflect deadly and detrimental trajectories e.g. healthier school lunches, smarter curricula, wasted talent  (where would Bill Gates be today had someone not allowed him to practice programming skills at night in a computer lab).

Time is evil.

Rich men and poor men.

Strong men and weak men.

Faithful men and flirty men.

All got only that long to live, to learn and yes, to regret.

It’s part of the package: to err is human.

Those who risked nothing, gained nothing.

Money can be borrowed (especially today, when banks are pushing for it, but not without conditions) but time cannot.

The 80/20 rule shows us there are times when we feel and actually are more productive.

Athletes know about and leverage their peak time performance.

And Moore’s Law makes planned obsolescence   a de facto (more apps with better speed of processing  keep coming down the pipe).

Just don’t wish to live on forever, as the joke goes ” a man wished he could live on forever. So God turned him into a tree”.

Plan your funeral ahead, preferably with standing room only. Work backward from there and cross out that check list, one by one (gotta see Paris for example).

You will laugh and cry, and beat yourself for not seeing the elephant in the room, or the Emperor without clothes.

It’s the spirit of the times. We have all been willfully blind when inside the bubble (Tulip? Railroad? Internet? Housing?).

The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.

Might as well. Because to him ,with hammer in hand, everything looks like nails.

When you get hammered down, don’t stay down. Gabby did not. She got back onto the platform, and not just any platform, but the DNC platform. Her time has yet to be over. So has ours. Stand up and stand your ground.

Failure as prereq

Maybe it’s just me. But people I associate with don’t seem to do well these days.

Sectors once thrived are now wiped out: telecom, housing and to some extent, publishing.

HR at HP has been busy.

We learn from failure.

By turning it into seed of success.

Success and failure leave a different taste in the mouth: sweet and sour.

To live a full life, one needs to learn how to swallow both.

Failure often accompanies loneliness. You wouldn’t go out and celebrate with others.

You lick your own wound in the dark and in isolation.

You won’t find many Yes men around to toast with.

It’s meeting-Jesus time.

Penance.

Retrenching. Redemption.

Taking inventory: what assets  vs what liabilities?

Learn to stage a return. Review the script.

Check the audition board.

They always need fresh meat for the rituals (sacrificial lamb).

What came before will come around again.

No one is born a loser.

Unless we allow the statement to stay true.

Failure is as common as a bruised knee.

Keep getting back up and ride. The balance is found in continuing motion, in trying.

Failure teaches us more than success, albeit bitter lessons in penance.

Hopefully people I know who are in a rut , know how to soon put it behind and try again, instead of fail to try.

Empty space

Void. Vacuum. Unfilled and unoccupied space.

Plenty of them, within and without.

So we fear its vastness.

We try to fill it up with stuff.

In the process, making ourselves mini-gods.

Co-creators of space-filling. Bed, bath and beyond.

Then give them away to Goodwill to make room for more empty space.

Everyone got problems with fitting everything into a suitcase before each trip.

If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me.

That “part of me” is abstract and intangible.

But real nonetheless.

So we have commitment. We honor faithfulness and loyalty. not betrayal.

We extol unseen virtues, unspoken agreement between two people.

That thing called love, duty and honor.

Old school.

But we search for it all our life.

Business world says “screw it”.

Real world says “search for it”.

Which is which?

Lonely at the top.

The dying and fading King.

Kingdom in disarray.

Gates wide open for invaders and looters.

Who is going to stand by you in the hour of need?

Empty space. God-shaped vacuum.

Time flows one way into infinity.

Space is just out there, with Earth older than previously thought.

Space is also inside each of us. All empty.

Until it is filled with joy and laughters. Of children’s nagging and giggling.

It’s not about occupying space.

It’s about validating existing one, granted in each of us. Inalienable if you will.

The right to exist, to breathe, to figure it all out for one’s self.

Business says “screw it, let’s do it” (Branson)

Church says “save it in the name of our Lord“.

Life says “you are to hold on to it, since it is going around only once”.

That empty space, regardless being occupied with Gucci or Goodwill,  is all we’ve got.

Love, hate and fear. All share that same empty and inner space, called Self.

Trust again

People with bad experiences go through various phases in recovery.

Some need a lifetime. Others could trust again in no time.

All depends how the mind plays tricks. If pain recedes deep into long-term memory, then it takes longer to process pain.

Short or long-term memory, bad experiences stay. They surface on unsuspected occasion (Murphy’s Law).

Mine is about to happen again. The post-traumatic disorder. The pain of separation, of loss and of reunion.

It has been a long time . Long enough to look at it with academic detached eyes. Culture shock, reverse culture shock and personal acceptance.

No one can undo his or her past. No one can predict his/her future.

Only the moment. Cherish it. The usual. That predictable cup of coffee. A familiar face in the crowd. One simple joy of a child’s smile. Trust again.

Music often evokes those feelings e.g. a broken relationship, a lost connection.

Pain of an unraveled relationship.

People hurting people. Policies that destroy instead of building up.

Mistakes committed and opportunities lost.

We fear not new things. We fear that new things will evoke or add to bad memories.

We project the past unto the unknown. We no longer want to take risks.

To trust again.

Could that place, this person do me any good? Or just harm?

Leave me alone and let me retire to familiar pain.

Institutions often fall into this trap as well. Back to basics. Back to safe practices. Operating on marginal cost etc….Yet as counter-intuitive as it may seem, to survive, institution and individual need to take risks (The Innovator’s Dilemma).  Life is like riding the bicycle, so you need to keep moving ahead, says Einstein.

So I charge ahead. Trust again. And say a prayer. This morning. This moment.

This very day. That’s the only moment in time I am granted to grow and learn. And to trust again.

Get ready

When seeing the opening act of mainly 60’s-looking folks, my young friend was about to dismiss them. I said “Hold it”.

After all, the Rolling Stones still commanded a packed audience.

So give them the benefit of the doubt. Turned out I had been right.

Rare Earth, Cream, CCR and Eagles were all featured in that one hour.

We screamed, we cheered (the drumming part) and we sweated. Get Ready!

I like the youthful energy of a band. They collaborated and contrasted, but all rehearsed.

From this wells up creativity.

We recognize this quality in people and organization: edge and excellence.

Can’t expect great solution if you look for it at the same level where the problems originated (courtesy of Stephen Covey).

Or conversely, can’t expect exceptional performance if you promoted people beyond their level of competency (again, courtesy of Peter Drucker).

We must Get Ready to expect exceptionalism. We must Get Ready to expect miracles.

To change, we must Get Ready to expect disruption and non-normalcy.

To grow, we must Get Ready to abandon old practices and processes.

When the How became the Why, we are doomed!

I learned a lot from teams, from Rock bands and from friendships.

We must Get Ready to be told that we were wrong. And that together, we can do it. Collaboration beats isolation every time. From the start, we learned about the Trinity: Father, Son and Holy Spirit and that our birth certificates showed Mother and Father. Mine certainly did. I am a product of collaboration and union. So are you. Get Ready to compete, but then collaborate. Learn from the Eagles, from Cream, from CCR, from Rare Earth.

Humble dreams

Here at UVT, students wear chef uniforms to school.

Dressed up for the part.

They are to finish their last leg in Hospitality and Tourism at one of the Australian Universities.

Humble dreams, yet tangible outcomes.

I respect young people who knew what they want to be when they grow up/old.

At their age, my family and society at large were pushing for doctors, dentists and designers (architects).

Now, everyone is aware of new trends and options.

Pathways to success. Gateways to employment and empowerment.

Dining and touring experience.

The new economy. Nouveau riches.

Chinese shoppers in New York, Milan and Paris.

Shop til they drop. Maybe one day, these shoppers will stop by and be served by our graduates.

A cappucino here, an expresso there. Ring the register.

Count your money, and take it to the bank.

Forget not your humble origins. Forget not time spent here at UVT, conjugating and even copulating.

We turn Vietnamese boys into English-speaking men.

We help turn students into culinary stars.

Don’t doctors, dentists and designers need to eat and travel?

Well, maybe my parents and their friends were too particular and restricted in their choices.

Maybe they stumbled upon the trail of success in their time, but times has changed.

We are better informed and more practical.

We put our money where our mouth is. We eat, love and pray.

Someone needs to be in the kitchen. It’s hot in there. And the training hours are long. They need to log in enough hours to graduate. And while in uniforms, they are reminded of who they will become. A far cry from their humble origins.

CWO – Chief Worshipping Officer

On my first week as CEO at UVT – I met an issue none of the Business School in the US had equipped their students for: to bow or not to bow at the Fortune–God altar in the school lobby.

It’s hard enough to know where the bathroom is – much less stumbling upon the Fortune Gods.

Yet I did. And handled it.

You see here in the East – one believes in not just skills – professional or otherwise but also in good luck and good heart. Without the blessings from the Underworld, no matter how hard you try – the results won’t be satisfying.

Yes you can manipulate or negotiate.

But human efforts don’t account for much (reverse 80/20 rule).

Hence the appeasement and appearance of compliance: to the authority and Higher Authority.

I feel humble.

I know there are forces out there beyond my purview and power.

I do my best and leave the rest to the Fortune Gods.

Power outage – gas price – typhoon.

Seeing students eager to learn  motivates me.

After all I still have my student ID card with me (University of Saigon 1975).  At their age – I did pray to the gods to protect me against the uncertain seas.

I was at the mercy of International waters and International Relief . I was at the mercy of prejudiced bosses at work and mean bumps on the street.

I have survived it all – unprepared or ill-prepared.

From this vantage point – it’s me who needs to burn that incense more than anyone else.

So I bowed and prayed.

I needed help.

I needed blessings .

I needed to taste sweat and tears – as cake mix. Then I can bake that cake of success. In Gates of Fire – the leader of 300 just responded after being warned that the enemy’s arrows will cover the sun: “That’s good. We will fight in the shade”.  Yes Achille Yes Samson Yes Pharaoh.

You will all die. Momento Mori.

But not yet. Not dead yet. Got to taste sweet success even when it is mixed with sweat and tears. Makes life more worth living. Rather try and fail than fail to try “and they bow and pray – to the neon god they made…”