Tag: Mental health

Relationship hardship

The more you try, the less likely it works. Paradoxical as it may be, relationships don’t operate like other laws of physics or economics i.e. pour water in, out on the other end you get, if efficiently, the same amount.

Sometimes, your ROI are so low that you wish you had never commited to it.

That’s when we realize there is no perfect world, nor are there perfect people.

People are tired,  unpredictable and subjected to stimuli, sensation and stress.

They are forced to be efficient and productive at work, but in real life, in personal life, they revert back to being themselves i.e. unpredictable.

Compliance at work, self-governing at home.

These two opposites intersect when we visit a co-worker at home.

He/she is viewed in new light, in a different context:  unguarded and out of character.

There is no science to managing a relationship. It’s case-by-case basis. Artful, not scientific.

But there are etiquettes to be observed: reciprocity for instance.

When people go off on a cliff, that’s undesirable but understandable. Or when they try to make us into somebody else, that’s also uncalled for.

We are all unique. That makes this world of nearly 7 Billion people an exciting place to be, to discover and to tread carefully. Don’t assume. And don’t impose.

On top of generational differences, we have cultural differences  and gender differences.

Still, there are hopes. People still get together, talk it out, and resolve their differences. Despite all the power struggles, people seek to compromise, adjust  expectations or part ways.

Somehow, people always find a way. Relationship hardship. Unavoidable blessing and burden.

People-people problems

Technical issues can be dealt with, even if we have to farm it out.

People problems, especially when it’s personal, and potentially embarrassing, tend to linger on, and if unresolved and cancerous.

We simply wish they go away.

And they will. When the people died.

Those of us who stand one foot in tech and the other in marketing must understand where our customers are, before we can sell them. Consumer savvy and marketer savoir faire.

When relationships are going well, nothing come close.

We sleep better, eat better and drink more.

Joie de vivre.

It keeps going and going.

We need to work with and through people to achieve great things.

We need people to use our services and products.

And we need people to share our time and lives with .

Unless you want to read the whole library, alone,  the rest of your life.

People who need people.

People who are hurt by people.

And people who think they can do without people.

Learn the basics: their needs and wants, their psychological make-ups,

and even learn through mistakes: what makes them tick.

The thing about people is that they know when we are sincere and trying.

And chances are, because none of us are angels, we will soon forgive the person who pissed us off, since we ourselves are none the better.

I hope things work out for you this day, as mine did.

I could sleep through the night just because people-people problem went away.

Again, we smile at people. Curse them not. Because positivity begets more of the same. Keep your relationship currency balance. And free your emotional reserve to collaborate and to achieve greatness.

Rain and rhythm

Chewing gum jingle, and it seems to work:  “looking for a brand new start”.

Each day, we woke up to a start. Just like that first day out of our mother’s womb. Not knowing what to expect.

Not knowing who to trust.

Not knowing the future.

Will it rain today? Or same ole sticky heat?

Rain and tears or just tears?

Pain as part of life. No pain no gain, no growth.

People who insulate themselves from challenges and changes will never grow.

They chew the gum over and over.

Same predictable rhythm. Power-saving mode. Auto-pilot.

But no excitement. No surprises. No set back and no break through.

Organization tends to work itself from chaos into predictability, the path of least resistance. The maintenance mode. High maintenance since the beast needs to be fed.

Hence huge bureaucracy.

Yet today’s market asks for agility, flexibility and formless boundaries. Be water.

Shaped according its container.

10,000 hours of  repetition to become a master.

Fear that dedication and determination.

Don’t stop at black belt, or even red belt.

Overcome your own self. That inner resistance, that self-sabotaging tendency:

I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t deserve that espresso, that sweet cake.

Somehow, it’s always someone else’s but not ours.

Yet our Maker has a different script for us.

You can’t drop out of the margins that He has set, no matter how hard you tried. Rebelliousness or religiousness.

It’s indifference that is hard to cure.

So be bad  to the bones. Be good to the bones. Our world needs leaders who are decisive and determined.

Not wishy-washy type. Not opinionated type. Not losers’ type.

I respect people who tried and failed. I despise people who failed to try.

Rain got its rhythm, even when mixed with tears. Tears heal all wounds, from trying really hard. Not indecision and inactivity.

Trust again

People with bad experiences go through various phases in recovery.

Some need a lifetime. Others could trust again in no time.

All depends how the mind plays tricks. If pain recedes deep into long-term memory, then it takes longer to process pain.

Short or long-term memory, bad experiences stay. They surface on unsuspected occasion (Murphy’s Law).

Mine is about to happen again. The post-traumatic disorder. The pain of separation, of loss and of reunion.

It has been a long time . Long enough to look at it with academic detached eyes. Culture shock, reverse culture shock and personal acceptance.

No one can undo his or her past. No one can predict his/her future.

Only the moment. Cherish it. The usual. That predictable cup of coffee. A familiar face in the crowd. One simple joy of a child’s smile. Trust again.

Music often evokes those feelings e.g. a broken relationship, a lost connection.

Pain of an unraveled relationship.

People hurting people. Policies that destroy instead of building up.

Mistakes committed and opportunities lost.

We fear not new things. We fear that new things will evoke or add to bad memories.

We project the past unto the unknown. We no longer want to take risks.

To trust again.

Could that place, this person do me any good? Or just harm?

Leave me alone and let me retire to familiar pain.

Institutions often fall into this trap as well. Back to basics. Back to safe practices. Operating on marginal cost etc….Yet as counter-intuitive as it may seem, to survive, institution and individual need to take risks (The Innovator’s Dilemma).  Life is like riding the bicycle, so you need to keep moving ahead, says Einstein.

So I charge ahead. Trust again. And say a prayer. This morning. This moment.

This very day. That’s the only moment in time I am granted to grow and learn. And to trust again.

Clear-head

When your mind is cluttered with unfinished business, you are not clear-headed.

In our attention-starved world, spam and stimuli exacerbate this problem.

No wonder it’s hard to reach mutual understanding and agreement.

Best way is to nail down small and incremental wins to build up critical milestones.

We tend to agree with those we already liked.

In fact, that’s what drew us toward each other in the first place.

Sort of virtuous cycle: positive reinforcement.

As we reached maturity, we seem to narrow down our list of trusted friends (psychological overload).

In that vein, we can reasonably build our network of trusted experts, benefit from the network effect and still remain clear-headed . David Allen advises  his readers in Getting Things Done, to clear out small and unimportant tasks, to make way and time for more important ones.

He obviously knew about the 80/20 rule. His advice is: clear the clutter and climb to the top.

Shame and Stigma

Making small talks on New Year‘s morning, I mentioned various distant relatives, among whom a handsome ping-pong playing cousin of mine.

I remembered him as 60’s looking, hair, glasses and short shorts.

He was later married with kids before got  sent to re-education camp.

While he was away, his wife had an affair and made him feel ashamed upon his return and reintegration to larger society.

Those external stresses, at first glance, must have driven him to suicide.

My hostess cousin overheard my conversation, rushed out of the kitchen  and said ” cousin T was gay!”

“He had been pressured to maintaining a modeled family against his wish.”

Mystery unveiled for me after all these years.

The stigma (of being gay at a time and in a place where it was unacceptable) was followed by shame (even his “modeled” family couldn’t hold waters).

The agony of shame and stigma must have eaten up the man.

If memory served me right, I , up until yesterday, couldn’t conceive his family as “spinners” of story.

His father showed my mom where to find housing and apply for a teaching job.

My birth certificate (showing the address) still bears witness to their kindness to relatives fleeing Southward during the partition (North-South).

In all appearances, with his father also a teacher, which used to be ranked first (Si, Nong, Cong, Thuong – Mandarin, Farmer, Factory worker, Merchant), and rest of family high achievers until the last shoe dropped.

I felt for cousin T.

Perhaps taking his own life was the only way.

If he had lived in this time, or emigrated to a certain State in the US, or EU,

he could have carried on happily.

He ended life to stay true to his nature. (as of this edit, the US Supreme Court is into its 3rd day hearing about gay marriage).

When Francoise Sagan released her bombshell publication  “Bonjour Tristesse“, a lot of young people committed suicide in France. Existential loneliness.

Our own Nguyen Anh Chin also composed his “Buon oi, ta xin chao mi” (Bonjour Tristesse) after a time living in France.

Every society finds ways to explain outliers and outcasts.

We put much spotlight on how many lives Bill Gates has saved (good for him), but we have yet done inventory of what’s in our closet. Instead, we ignore what we can’t explain, or doesn’t fit into the mold: a handicapped child, a gay cousin, an interracial nephew or an unmarried niece.

Society is judged by how well it protects its weakest link, not to convenient put on labels such as “dysfunctional”, or worse, “reject”.

With 7 Billion , the chance of outliers and outcasts will only increase. Consequently, the burden is  on us to overcome fear, to be a good Samaritan. When you do to the least of these, you have done unto me.

Where is  the “Bill Gates” in each of us? The good Samaritan who stands up to shame and social stigma? (Condom Contest Prize $100,000 from Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation). The funny thing about Social Proof (they all do it) is it changes just as quickly if given the right catalyst and back wind (in 10 years, public opinion in the US about gay marriage has flip-flopped).  Be that force of change. He ain’t heavy, he is my brother.

R.I.P. cousin T.